Why am I So Angry Now I’m a Mum?
This is a question I get asked often in the therapy room, ‘Why am I so angry now I’m a mum?’ my clients tell me they’ve never been an angry person, that it wasn’t like this before kids, but now they’re the ‘shouty mum’ they never wanted to become. I get it too, because I’ve also been the rage filled, shouty mum and I’ll be honest, it took me by surprise, as a primary school teacher who dealt with demanding 5 year olds all day, I prided myself on my patience.
Then this one small child could reduce me to anger and tears over yet another rejected dinner. Dinner time was always the time I lost my cool, it was like I could hold it together all day but by 5pm each day I’d reached my limit.
This feeling—often called "mum rage"—is more common than you might think, yet we still don’t talk openly about it. We don’t picture ourselves as angry people, much less as parents prone to outbursts. Yet, beneath the surface, this rage can bubble up unexpectedly, fueled by burnout, lack of support, and the relentless demands of being a mum. But what can we do to understand and manage the anger when it comes up?
What is Mum Rage, and Why Does It Happen?
Mum rage is the intense, sometimes explosive anger or frustration that can arise when we become parents. It may feel sudden and disproportionate to the situation, and afterward, it can leave us with feelings of shame, guilt, and confusion. Many mums, who were once calm, and controlled, find themselves suddenly navigating this newly rising anger and rage. So, why does this happen?
Burnout: Mum rage can stem from the deep exhaustion and depletion many mums feel. Being a mum is a 24hr a day job, there is rarely (or never!) a moment ‘off’, the demands may feel silly compared to previous jobs or life events, but we’re literally building our children’s brains with no manual or boss to pass the responsibility onto. In the early years especially, we are in constant demand. When we’re giving to others without replenishing our own energy, it can quickly lead to burnout, making it harder to manage everyday frustrations.
Pressure to be the ‘perfect mum’: Social media and the idea of the ‘super mum’ can put immense pressure on mums to appear perfect. We’re expected to balance everything perfectly—jobs, homes, and families. Yet, we often carry this load alone, hiding our struggles to maintain a facade of “having it all together.” For many, even asking for the smallest things or admitting it’s hard can feel like a failure.
Suppressed Needs: We’ve normalised mums ignoring their own needs and prioritising everyone else in the family. For some it’s like a badge of honour. Of course a lot of the time we have to put our children first, but we must try and balance our own needs with our families. Over time, self neglect can create pent-up frustration and resentment that eventually surfaces as anger or rage.
Physical and Hormonal Factors: Lack of sleep, hormonal changes, and the physical demands of motherhood can all play a part in why we may feel anger building up, sometimes without warning. The impact of sleep deprivation on mood is so often underestimated, with family and friends reminding us that ‘that’s just mum life’, but prioritising getting the most rest possible is crucial and can positively impact our hormonal balance and physical healing too.
Sensory overwhelm: we all have our own personal limits when it comes to sensory overwhelm, for some noise doesn’t bother them so much, for others too much, certain tones or volumes can be incredibly overstimulating. Similarly with touch, you may find you feel ‘touched out’ by the shear intensity of the physical demands of touch that babies and children require. Some things such as stress, birth trauma, anxiety and neurodivergence can impact our capacity to tolerate sensory input. It’s important to acknowledge that we all have different limits here and we don’t always need to ‘fix’ this, however it can be useful to consider any adjustments, accommodations or support that can help you to feel more comfortable.
When we ignore our needs, frustrations accumulate, often leading to emotional eruptions. But, these feelings aren’t a sign of personal failure; they’re signals that our minds and bodies are crying out for attention and care.
Understanding the Link Between Mum Rage, Burnout and other mental health challenges
Burnout doesn’t just happen overnight; it’s often the result of long-term emotional and physical depletion. In a culture that applauds “doing it all,” and proving we’re doing it all via social media, mums often feel they have to meet unrealistic standards, ignoring their own needs in the process. The result is an inner pressure that builds and builds until it finds release in anger. This slow burn of exhaustion and stress over time can mean that we’re taken off guard when the anger surfaces.
If you’re also dealing with other mental health challenges such as birth trauma, postnatal anxiety or postnatal depression, then you might find yourself becoming irritable, frustrated and angry more quickly. In this instance your anger is a symptom of just how much you’re having to carry and getting professional support to help you address the root cause is important.
The Power of Naming and Understanding Our Needs
It can be difficult to pinpoint exactly what you need in these intense moments. Solution-focused hypnotherapy can help you identify and understand the needs hidden behind your anger, supporting you in shifting your focus from problems to positive goals and solutions.
In hypnotherapy sessions, mothers often begin to articulate their needs for space, rest, and support. These simple yet essential requirements can feel difficult to attain in the busyness of motherhood. However, once recognised, they can provide a roadmap to managing anger more effectively, offering an alternative to suppression and allowing for healthier responses to stress.
Recognising Your Own Red Flags
To prevent mum rage from overwhelming you, it’s essential to learn to recognise your personal “red flags.” These are the signs that frustration or burnout may be building. Some common red flags include:
Increased irritability or impatience
Feeling apathetic toward self-care, like skipping meals or neglecting rest
Lack of motivation for activities you once enjoyed
Hypersensitivity to noise or clutter
Feeling overwhelmed by routine tasks
Once you get used to noticing these signs, you can take steps to manage stress before it becomes overwhelming.
Practical Ways to Manage Mum Rage
Managing mum rage is a long-term journey, but there are several immediate strategies that can help you calm yourself when anger arises. Try these simple steps:
Pause and Breathe: When you feel anger rising, take a few deep breaths to calm your mind and body. This activates the relaxation response, helping you regain control.
Step Away if Possible: If you’re able to, and it’s safe for your child, remove yourself from the situation, even if just for a few moments. This can help diffuse the intensity of your feelings.
Practice Self-Compassion: After an outburst, it’s common to feel guilty. Instead, try to show yourself compassion. Recognise that parenting is demanding, and you are doing your best. When you feel calm again repair with your child or baby, by connecting, playing and talking about what happened.
Taking micro moments for yourself: Finding time to recharge can help prevent future burnout. But we need this recaharge to be regular and repetitive. A day at a spa is a gorgeous treat, but it won’t necessarily soothe your burnout if you’re not also combining it with daily moments to rest. These moments can be ‘micro moments’ 2 minutes breathing deeply when making a cup of tea, a conversation with a friend, tuning into nature for a moment when out and about. Build these into your day until they become habit.
How Solution-Focused Hypnotherapy Can Help Calm Mum Rage
Solution-focused hypnotherapy (SFH) is a therapeutic approach that guides clients toward positive changes and manageable solutions rather than revisiting past issues or stressors. Through SFH, mums can gain new tools for managing stress, regaining emotional control, and reconnecting with inner calm. Here’s how SFH can help:
Calming the Nervous System: Our hypnotherapy sessions involve deep relaxation, which lowers cortisol levels and quiets the fight-or-flight response. This helps you feel calm and centered, creating space for rational thinking even in stressful situations.
Reframing Negative Thought Patterns: In hypnotherapy, we work on identifying and rethinking unhelpful beliefs that may contribute to frustration. As you shift toward more positive thinking patterns, you become more resilient to the everyday stressors of motherhood.
Rediscovering Self-Compassion: By exploring what brings joy and calm, hypnotherapy helps you reconnect with yourself. This allows for greater self-compassion, which can be key in handling challenging parenting moments with patience.
Enhancing Emotional Awareness: Through sessions, mothers gain a greater understanding of their triggers, learning to recognise their own needs and emotional flags before they escalate into anger.
Seeking Help and Building a Support System
If you find yourself feeling constantly on edge or overwhelmed, it’s essential to seek support. Solution-focused hypnotherapy can provide tools for handling stress, allowing you to approach motherhood with resilience and calm. Talking with other mums, family, or friends can also alleviate feelings of isolation and guilt, helping you feel less alone.
Remember that seeking help is a sign of strength, not weakness. By taking steps to care for your mental health, you’re also supporting your family’s well-being.
To chat to Jo about how Solution Focused Hypnotherapy can help you click below