How to stop people pleasing - 4 signs you’re neglecting yourself as a parent

As parents, it’s easy to fall into the trap of people-pleasing. In particular, as mums we’re often socially conditioned and even expected to please others at the expense of our own well-being. The role of motherhood can quickly push us into a space where we prioritise everyone else’s needs while neglecting our own. Even though this often comes from a place of love (and a desire to control), it can lead to burnout, resentment, and a loss of self-identity.

If you’re a parent and find yourself constantly feeling overwhelmed, guilty, or drained, you may be caught in the cycle of people-pleasing. Here are four key signs that you might be a people pleaser and how this habit can impact not only your mental health but also your family. For each sign I’ll also give you some ideas on how to break the cycle of people pleasing.

1. You Say "Yes" to Everything, Even When You’re Overwhelmed

One of the most common signs of being a people pleaser is the inability to say "no." Do you often find yourself saying "yes" to every school event, get together, and work responsibility, even when you’re already stretched thin? Whether it’s volunteering for the PTA, baking for a work coffee morning, or taking the neighhbours dog out for their walk, the pressure to do it all and always say yes, can be overwhelming.

For people pleasers, saying "no" feels like a failure or a rejection of others. This mindset is harmful because it creates a cycle where you constantly overcommit yourself. Over time, the weight of all these "yeses" can lead to stress and exhaustion and anxiety. Worse, you might find yourself less present and less patient with your own family because you're drained by the constant demand to meet other people's needs.

Breaking the Cycle: Start by acknowledging that saying "no" doesn’t make you a bad person or a bad parent. Set clear boundaries on what you can and cannot do. Practice saying, "I would love to help, but I simply can’t take on anything else right now." It might feel uncomfortable at first, but it's a necessary step to protect your energy and prioritise your own well-being.

2. You Prioritise Everyone Else’s Needs Above Your Own

You’re a mum, of course you care deeply for your children and family. But when you consistently prioritise their needs while ignoring your own, it’s a red flag for people-pleasing behavior. This could look like making sure your children have 5 a day while you grab fast food on the go, or ensuring your partner has time for self-care while you skip yours. While self-sacrifice is part of parenting, consistently ignoring your own needs leads to burnout and feelings of depletion.

Over time, prioritising everyone but yourself can make you feel invisible. You lose sight of your own desires, passions, and individuality. Eventually, this pattern breeds resentment—not just toward others, but toward yourself for allowing it to happen.

Breaking the Cycle: remember that your needs are just as important as those of your family. Try incorporating small acts of self-care into your daily routine, even if it’s just five minutes of quiet time or a walk around the block. Teach your children by example that taking care of yourself is essential. When you’re well-rested and emotionally healthy, you’re able to show up more fully for your family.

3. You Feel Guilty When You Take Time for Yourself

People pleasers often struggle with guilt when they finally do something for themselves. For parents, especially mums this guilt can feel magnified. Whether you’re getting a haircut, going out with friends, or simply relaxing for a few moments, a nagging voice in your head might saying, "You should be spending this time with your kids," or "There’s laundry that needs to be done."

This guilt is rooted in the belief that your worth is tied to how much you do for others. In reality, taking time for yourself is not selfish—it’s necessary. Self-care isn’t just about bubble baths and spa days; it’s about recharging your emotional and mental batteries so you can continue to show up as the best version of yourself.

Breaking the Cycle: Challenge the guilt by reframing your mindset. Instead of thinking of self-care as time taken away from your family, see it as time invested in becoming a better, more present parent. Remember, taking care of yourself enables you to take better care of others. When those feelings of guilt creep in, remind yourself that you deserve rest and relaxation just as much as anyone else in your family.

4. You Avoid Conflict, Even if It Means Sacrificing Your Boundaries

Do you avoid conflict at all costs? This might mean seeing family when you don’t want to, to avoid saying no or avoiding tough conversations with your partner to keep the peace. While conflict avoidance may seem like the easier option in the short term, it can erode your sense of self and lead to resentment.

The more you avoid conflict, the more you sacrifice your own needs and desires, leading to an unbalanced dynamic in the household.

Breaking the Cycle: Learning to embrace healthy conflict is essential for both your mental health and your family’s well-being. Start by setting clear, non-negotiable boundaries. For example, if you need 30 minutes of quiet time after work, communicate this clearly to your family. When conflict arises, don’t shy away from it. Approach it calmly and constructively, and remember that it’s okay to stand your ground. Teaching your children to navigate conflict in a healthy way is one of the most valuable lessons they can learn.

The Impact of People-Pleasing on Your Family

At first glance, people-pleasing may seem harmless. After all, what’s wrong with wanting to make others happy? But the reality is that constantly prioritising others at the expense of your own well-being creates an unsustainable dynamic. When you’re constantly giving without receiving, it leads to burnout, resentment, and a loss of identity.

People-pleasing can also have unintended consequences on your children. When they see you consistently putting your needs aside, they may internalise the belief that self-care is selfish or that conflict should always be avoided. This can impact their own emotional development and how they navigate relationships as they grow.

Reclaiming Your Balance

Breaking the cycle of people-pleasing as a parent is not easy, but it’s essential for your mental, emotional, and physical health. Start by recognising the signs and making small, intentional changes in your daily life. Whether it’s saying "no" more often, setting boundaries, or letting go of the guilt around self-care, these steps will help you reclaim a sense of balance and joy in your parenting journey.

Remember, taking care of yourself is not a luxury—it’s a necessity. By prioritising your well-being, you’re not only improving your own life but also setting a powerful example for your children. It’s time to stop pleasing everyone else at the expense of yourself and start showing up as the parent and person you truly want to be.

If you’d like more support my 1:1 therapy sessions can help, or try my free workshop Rediscovering You, which will help you to set boundaries more confidently and find your spark again. Sign up to my mailing list and get the workshop sent to you right away, Jo x